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Andrew

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  • in reply to: Introduce Yourself! #7747
    Andrew
    Participant

    Tom,    I really appreciated that somebody like yourself would reach out and be supportive of my situation.   I have done a bit of dare devil stuff in my life but I certainly cannot say I have ever done anything particularly heroic.   On the other hand you might think being a technician and engineer working next to a nuclear reactor in a modern submarine was not particularly heroic and it was just a somewhat unrewarding job like any other one.  Then again maybe not.         I really felt your support for me and it made a big difference for me.     I woke up this morning thinking about you and while it was too late to reply to you yesterday I knew when going to bed that this morning I would be replying to you in some way that was not very typical.    We seem to be sharing something that is very important and difficult for both of us.      I am totally with you in saying I am also the kind of person who believes getting things off my chest makes me feel much better even when it is with complete strangers.      I have to say I already feel significantly better.  A problem shared is a problem halved.  That is ancient knowledge and you would imagine it is just common sense,  it is not like we are talking rocket science,  but even 100 years after the ‘discovery’ of the benefit of talking therapies,   happiness for many remains as elusive as ever.         Families seem to be strange things.  You would think that the family would be the best possible place to explore your emotions and be yourself and yet often the family can be the absolutely worst place possible!

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Andrew.
    • This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Andrew.
    in reply to: Introduce Yourself! #7724
    Andrew
    Participant

    Hello all,

    I am Ilonas husband in Finland.   I am 61.    I am from the South of England but I lived in New Zealand for about 15 years.   It is said of Finns that they are comfortable with silence and well…..I do not like silences.    Then again I can see that talking can be quite irritating if  you want to be alone with your own experiences or not be distracted from your own activities.    I am though what we call a chatterbox sometimes and I tend to wear my thoughts and emotions on my sleeve so to speak rather than being an internal person.

    Power of acknowledgement?  For the purposes of this forum, Power of acknowledgement has a particular meaning related to praising people.  In many forms of teaching the teacher has to focus on praising and supporting their client, acknowledging their progress even when progress is very slow.    Outside of therapy or teaching, (these people are paid to help people)   it can be difficult to praise people who we think are under performing,  and I think many of us find it hard to put on special gloves to acknowledge the good behaviours while being very unhappy with the bad behaviours.

    I can see though that praising people does have tremendous power and resisting praising somebody because you feel it will weaken your ability to apply pressure to them can work against you.      I saw recently there was mention of the power of acknowledgement in the military.   I think we can recognise the benefit of ‘Good work Soldier!’  They even give out medals for outstanding performance.  However,  in the military are they really going to have a culture of “Power of acknowledgement”?   I suppose it will work somewhat better once you are out of boot camp.   A large part of the military today is tremendously technical and there can be no way people are going to be motivated to achieve the excellence a modern military requires without positive acknowledgement.  Then again in the military you are obliged to ensure wrong practice is ended as quickly as possible.     However, I really know nothing of the military.     My wife though was praising Tom!   So it seemed good to get my thoughts on the table first!  🙂

    Anyway as you can see, I am all for praising people and can see that it can be tremendously good for people and being critical can be tremendously bad for people, but how to get the balance right? That seems a much harder task and personally speaking I am a big believer in the idea that in life we have to be real.   Ie we have to be honest and true to ourself and our own true nature or otherwise we are unreal and false and that surely can never bring happiness for us.

    In the final analysis life can be complicated.

    Ps.  I am aware that I need to learn something about life that I am finding hard to learn.   Perhaps this forum can provide the learning that so far has not come my way?    I am finding it very hard to control my anger at the moment.  My beautiful 8 year old daughter has come to me crying about 6 times in the last month because I have been shouting about something or other mainly related to this family war my wife and I are in related to us placing our Down syndrome son with an external carer, via social services who said they had to help us.   I just could not face the future that I imagined caring for him would have meant for us.   I was the stay at home dad for my daughter while Ilona was working at IIL.   Ilona could see my reaction and could see she would have to be the main carer (in the traditional way as stay at home mother).      As far as we could see we would get no community help and our experience of looking after our daughter was that we would get no family help either.       Our son is being very well cared for in a family environment but we are being expected, by many in the family,  to do more than what we are doing and we are unable to get into a dialogue with many of the people involved.    Many family members seem unable to understand how handicapped our son is.   The foster mother says our son does not know what an external family member is and simply greets everybody like a friend he has known for ever.  Many family members think we should be building a stronger relationship with our son.   What do they expect me to do?  I do not know.      For a long time people were coming to our house and not talking to us about our son, and I often felt they behaved weirdly with us, but I set that to one side and focused on the positive as much as possible.    However, it just became too much for me because of the impact their apparent judgement was having on my wife Ilona.    I decided we must get discussion about our son or we dont get these visitors.  Period.      Meanwhile the manipulation and what not, has continued because people want access to our daughter.    Our daughter however seems happy to be with us and has never asked to be with these family members.    She has her own phone and does not want their telephone numbers so they can call her and make their own arrangements with her.     If people would talk to us I am assuming we could come to something mutually beneficial but they refuse to talk to us about our son.    It seems insane to me.    Some people have told me it is insane and there is nothing that can be changed.   Sigh.  Then of course on top of all my personal angst I am painfully aware that my wife Ilona is impacted by my behaviours and aggitations.     What to do?  I just do not like silences.   I feel silence and avoidance is not the best way forwards.   Then again it is undoubtedly true there is tremendous power in silence.

     

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Andrew.
    • This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Andrew.
    • This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Andrew.
    • This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Andrew.
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